Dieting Advice

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  1. Drink water. All of the water. Every time you are so hungry you want to eat your own hand off and know this feeling will result in downing an entire bag of chips and not the “snack” size, chug a glass of water. It will keep that urge away for approximately 10 minutes.
  2. Eat all of the time. Eat like every hour. Or just eat when you’re hungry, but not too much of anything. Stare at the serving size and amount of calories. Now eat half of a serving size. Less if you can.
  3. Have snacks on hand that won’t make you feel like you fucked up. Things you can smash into your face like popcorn. Buy fake candy-like granola bars with dark chocolate and peanut butter for 30 seconds of belief that this was almost as good as a Snickers.
  4. Back to eating half. Leave something on your plate every time. Every not bite that you don’t take means you are doing good. You are exercising self control. Put a napkin over barely touched plates so the server doesn’t come by and ask if you liked your meal because an empty plate is the only way to prove you thought something tasted good or you grew up in a house where an empty plate was your only permission to leave the table.
  5. Pretend you are eating by drinking something that tastes like something. Coffee. Tea. “Sparkling” water. When debating over using real sugar or cancer causing chemicals, choose the latter because being skinny in your prime is more important than ten-twenty additional years of life.
  6. Make your favorite vegetable in huge quantities (mine is broccoli because you were dying to know) and eat it like it’s chocolate cake. Amaze yourself at how much nutrition you can stuff down throat and the pseudo-satisfaction it gives to binge eat.
  7. Same with salad. Make huge salads with fifteen ingredients and .01 ounces of dressing and again, stuff your face with glee because the action of overindulging is half the reason you’re even on this seventeenth diet.
  8. Try all of the foods. You know which foods. QUINOA. KALE. QUICK COOKING OATS. GOJI BERRIES. Consider becoming a vegetarian. Consider not putting cheese on your burger. Consider not eating.
  9. When you feel like giving up, tune in to how much your jeans are digging into your waist and how your underwear is no longer comfortable. Buy a full length mirror and stand in front of it, naked. If you don’t want to buy a full length mirror, stand on the tub and stare at your midsection. Without sucking in. Actually no, suck in to see what you’d look like if you could just lose some weight already! Take note of all the women who are skinnier than you. Go downtown, there are tons of them. Live in a neighborhood where there are two pilates studios and wonder how pilates is still even a thing. Stare at the girls in yogo pants at Trader Joe’s buying quinoa, kale, quick cooking oats and goji berries and try to imagine you are her. Push out any thoughts that being conventionally attractive and thin is probably  kind of a drag that brings you attention from people you wouldn’t want attention from anyway and this girl probably think she’s fat too which is really a symptom of society and patriarchy and actually you guys should hang out sometime.
  10. If that doesn’t work, find a picture of when you were not as big as you are now. You were probably younger. There’s nothing you can do about it, but you can start getting off the train a stop earlier and walk further! You can take the steps instead of the elevator! You can do one of those 10 minute HIIT workout videos on YouTube! You don’t need a gym or fancy clothes or nice shoes or even equipment! Use that extra twenty, thirty, one hundred pounds of weight like it’s your own personal set of dumbbells!
  11. Don’t diet and just love yourself. Ignore the nagging feeling that you should be “doing something” about your thicker thighs and more rotund ass. Buy clothes that actually fit (perhaps an expensive bra!) and ignore the size. Work on fixing easier things, like your hair or your make-up. Get a hobby. Take more baths. Sleep.
  12. Join a gym.

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