In The Land of Elitist Fucks


In the Land of Elitist Fucks, everyone is white. Well, almost everyone. Seriously, there is so little diversity to be found that sometimes you, an Asian, will be the only minority.

In the Land of Elitist Fucks, white women pay $14 so their kid can play in an indoor “town” with a café that serves lattes. You will go on the discount day, when it’s half off. The only two black people there are nannies. Everyone else is in Lululemon yoga pants, concentrating only on their child, because all children are not equal or at least on the same level as their child, so talking to or engaging with Other Kids even when they are talking to you is unimportant.

In The Land of Elitist Fucks, you will stand in line at the Starbucks to buy your kid an overpriced organic chocolate milk and a white girl no older than eleven will ask the barista if they have any Pellegrino.

In the Land of Elitist Fucks there is a brunch place that serves only gluten free food and asks that you absolutely NOT bring your own food because in case you weren’t there on purpose, it is GLUTEN FREE HELLO DID YOU NOT SEE THE SIGN? You will take a bite out of your gluten free everything bagel and lox and look up to see a very ragged, potentially homeless man walking across the street and you will lose your appetite. Momentarily. Until you let the bubble of elitism suffocate any thoughts of how all of this is kind of gross. You know, how brunch is ridiculous and yet you love it because the truth is, it’s just over priced breakfast eaten at a later hour and sometimes with an alcoholic beverage.

In the Land of Elitist Fucks, people will choose to look on to the Chicago River, an unattractive and sometimes smelly body of water, while sipping a $14 cocktail, watching a girl in a bikini shake her Kim Kardashian sized ass on the front of a boat and try to let your feminism dictate your response instead of your gut instinct reaction.

You will hang in the Land of Elitist Fucks on occasion. Because someone is here from out-of-town. Because supposedly the best places in the city overcharge for drinks so you pay the entrance fee to be a part of this. You will take a Boomerang of yourself drinking cava in the sun and check-in so everyone knows where you are or were and will most likely not be back.

You hope the Elitist Fucks drop their stuff off at The Village Discount you hit up on the half off day or bring their clothes into the Crossroads you sometimes stop in for a find.

You probably look like an Elitist Fuck in your lily-white neighborhood.

You are an Elitist Fuck to some people, when your rent is actually 30% of your income and your car is from 2012 and your kid is wearing new Crocs.

But honestly, The Land of Elitist Fucks makes you feel terrible and you don’t know how to hate it while also navigating it from time to time.

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