Greener Grass


I made a joke on social media the other day that I thought I’d get along with my kid better if we didn’t have to see one another everyday.

It’s probably true.

I’ve been thinking a lot about Pre-Kid Me. I know I wasn’t happier, per se. But being selfish seemed pretty natural and forgivable.

I like being alone sometimes. I like privacy. I like closed doors and darkened rooms and off hours.

I like silence.

I like sleeping.

I also like options and spontaneity. I like last minute plans, like brunch or coffee or drinks. I like being able to saying “yes” to things (and “no” too.)

But if I had that again, would I miss Post-Kid Me?

Post-Kid Me got a “real” job. She got health insurance and life insurance and a savings account. She bought a car. She started paying her share of the family phone plan. She stopped drinking five nights a week.

And she is not alone.

She has a little home with a little family and while she takes care of people, she is also taken care of.

My kid got sick last week, the kind of sick I’ve never seen before with him and it scared me. The thought of the inevitability of it happening again washed over me and the internal panic seed was planted.

I also feel stronger for it.

I can do this.

But do I want to?

It’s no longer about choice. It’s just about managing. I managed my loneliness when I was single and childless and now I’m learning to manage my never being alone.

I have no idea if there is a better or worse.

It just Is. Whatever your situation, it just is.

Just don’t believe the other option is the answer.

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