Is Everyone On A Diet

halo top

The checkout girl wants to know if Halo Top is good.

She is in her late teens, early 20’s.

I jabber on about how it’s not as satisfying as say, Ben and Jerry’s, but you can eat a whole pint and it’s only 320 calories, so she won’t feel guilty.

Because, you know, we all feel that GUILT of eating an entire pint of ice cream, hence the creation of Halo Top.

Consuming an entire pint of ice cream for the sake of satisfaction is an eating disorder. It fits in very well with my eating disorder, which is overeating.

I assume if you are loving Halo Top just as much as me, you might be kind of like me or have some of my same tendencies. Because truth be told, we want full fat, full sugar, full 950 calories a pint ICE CREAM, but instead we pay over $5 for this “light” protein packed nonsense to make us feel better. About eating ice cream.

We are always doing this. Telling other people, especially one woman to another, about our “diet tips”. How to order your cocktails to minimize calories (soda water over tonic) or giving high praise to some snack that you can inhale instead of reaching for the Cheetos (Smart Pop) or reassuring someone that the salads at McDonald’s are actually pretty good.

But that’s all such bullshit. Not because soda water or Smart Pop or salads are bad, but because they are replacements for what I really want. And that I should not want what I want, but rather change my tastes to help me lose weight or not gain weight or attain some goal I’m supposed to be aiming for because I don’t love my body and probably never will.

I want cream in my coffee. I want the burger AND the macaroni and cheese from Kuma’s and no I’m not sorry about that. My favorite breakfast is from Pick Me Up Cafe and it’s called the Clown Combo. It has eggs, turkey sausage, potatoes, pancakes and a bagel with cream cheese. It’s magic and I don’t care what you say.

I went to Shake Shack for lunch today and I was trying to decide if I should get the burger with the bacon on it. I decided not to because I was getting cheese fries and a shake. As if the bacon was what was really going to put me over the top.

Look, I get it. I get being healthy and making better choices and not giving in to every impulse and craving. I get that I have a real problem with food sometimes and not only is it a mental health issue, but it’s also the reason I’m twenty pounds overweight.

Still.

I’m tired of thinking this way. I’m tired of these conversations between women about the guilt and the cheat days and the general unhappiness we feel about our bodies, that all consuming hatred of ourselves that is so unfair and such a waste of time. Of life.

I want to enjoy food without the constant shame of my choices reminding me that I’ll never be thin because being thin is The Most Important Thing In The World.

I want to stop reinforcing these things in my conversations with women.

I want to buy the ice cream I really want instead of bullying myself into Halo Top.

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