“The Crackers”

gg-crispbread-original-072717

I should stop pretending I’m not into “fad diets” because I totally am.

After a bunch of women I know and respect jumped on the GG cracker craze, I decided to take the plunge myself.

What’s this now?

Oh, just a bland ass bran cracker with low carbs and calories and high fiber.

My favorite thing was scoping out everyone’s topping choices, from almond butter and jelly to cream cheese with lox. Everything But The Bagel is unsurprisingly popular.

But $19 for five packages (12 crackers in each package, but some people were eating 4 at a sitting)? Uh…why not? I’ve paid for Noom and am back on MyFitnessPal premium, so what was another $20?

I bought like seventeen things at Aldi to plop on these babies, including a lot of spreadable cheese, and to my surprise, they really do fill me up. I physically can’t eat a lot after having them, even if I want to.

I have no idea if this will result in weight loss, as the scale hasn’t moved and I’ve been doing low cal/lowish carb for four days, but my bingeing has not been nearly as bad, so that’s something.

I’m all about trying something that works for others, but I started to have weird feelings about it when I was telling my mom about them.

She was telling me how hard it is to be in the house all day, surrounded by snacks my dad buys, like BOXES of chocolates, Cheetos, BBQ Chips, huge canisters of nuts, etc. I guess one good thing about doing all of the grocery shopping is that I control the narrative of our cupboards.

She and I are both trying to watch what we eat in anticipation of my brother’s wedding in May, not that anyone is going to be looking at us. Then again, you can’t escape the photos.

In a fit of grandiose disillusion, I bought a dress for it on eBay that can’t be returned and is one size too small. LOLOL.

Anyway, as I was telling my mom about the wonders of these crackers, I began to question if I was doing her a favor or just making everything worse. Not because they haven’t had a positive effect on my eating habits, but that I didn’t just say, “It’s OK to eat junk every now and then”, rather than agreeing this is something that must be stopped.

And sure, it’s better to be healthy. But health is typically secondary to our weight loss goals. Like, yeah, I’m glad I feel better, but what I really want is to be down a dress size.

In other words, what am I encouraging? I want it to be body acceptance and understanding. The problem is, I’m also stuck in this vicious cycle of self-hate. I do think I’m helping when I tell someone a diet trick. When someone is struggling with something I’ve been through, I share my hacks.  If someone is feeling down about themselves, I’m there in solidarity.

That all sounds nice, but not necessarily truly helpful.

I think I’m lucky that I’m surrounded by women who want to lift one another up and I want to do my part. Sometimes I’m just worried I’m playing into this idea that we’re supposed to be something else other than our perfect, imperfect selves.

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